The power of CREATION

I must admit the day that I found out I was pregnant I almost temporarily blacked out, almost hitting the floor. In my mind I wasn't ready, I wasn't sure and my life, you see, hadn't worked out the way that I had envisioned. I was pretty much all alone and fearful about this great responsibility. I was numb and just tried to take it one day a time, surprised, anxious but also failing to see the blessing. I remember going to the obstetrician and she had couldn't pick up your heartbeat and indicated that more blood tests had to be done because I may have a blighted ovum, at that point, my heart skipped a beat and I was consumed by this overwhelming sadness because I may have lost you before I even had you.  I tried to disconnect and not feel too attached after all it was a few weeks and maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Blood tests came back and you were growing, happiness consumed me and that’s when I made the announcement, not too sure as to how it would be received, I went in confidently because ultimately you were my creation, my responsibility, my child. The news was so well received and most were happy (barring one confusion), but all rejoiced at the this gift I was presenting them with, the gift of chaos, gift of sleepless nights, the gift of having a little human, a gift of a different personality, different perspective. That my child you may not know, places a great deal of responsibility on your shoulders for you bring something different to this hum drum thing called life. I remember hearing your heartbeat finally, and much to my surprise how you started resembling a human, from this blob, unrecognisable blob, to this human form. When did this all happen so quickly? Oblivious to biology and life, I was expecting something squishy, weird looking with no human anatomy. But yet you were there with a strong heartbeat, alive, sleeping through the prodding and poking oblivious to our invasion in your privacy with strangers in tow. My next visit we discovered what you are, a boy. I saw your penis, in plain view. You hid your face as if you knew we were trying to prod and poke and look at you, but yet my child you let your willy hang freely while coveting your face. How strange you must be, I have a lot to teach you about public nudity!  But I must admit, if anything goes, I believe you are a shy child, enjoying the quietness and solitude of the womb. The next visits that follow, you are in foetal positions, not wanting to be disturbed as I suppose what’s going on is the completion of you.  I guess you want to be a surprise, you want me to be patient, and you want me to wonder anxiously about you. Patience I must admit isn't my strongest suit, more so with you. I wonder what type of personality you have, what riles you, what are you passionate about, what is your purpose, what will you never concede on, what are you and I going to disagree on, what similarities will you have to your father, to me, what will I teach you, what will you teach me? All these questions lead to the impatience of waiting for you, you see, I cannot wait! Beyond the cute little fingers and small feet, your complete reliance on me, I'm impatient on what type of man you will become.

I commit to teach you to the best of my ability and action, that you can stand up and be different from everyone, that you will need to be strong because, you see, when you stand for something you believe in, you may not have an audience, your friends will change and leave you, you will go through dark moments, through happiness, you may want to change the world and fail, but its ok, someone watched you and got inspired. My son, you have purpose, live it, breathe it, stand it. And I hope that your choice in a mother will not disappoint you too much, but I hope that in my humanness you appreciate my faults and now that through it all, I love you with my entire being. A love that I knew I had, just waiting for you. For now, I appreciate your gentle to rather violent kicks and jabs in my belly, how you love when you push against my stomach and I massage your little back, it tells me you live, you’re healthy, you can move. I appreciate how your body grows so quickly bearing heavily on my back, my often graceless waddle as you pinch the nerves making it difficult to walk. I appreciate how you communicate your complete dislike of things by switching off my appetite to certain foods and occasional throw up. I appreciate how I see my body changing, sometimes curious but a sense of pride that I'm part of this miracle. 

Thank you my child, for choosing me, for loving me, for showing me that I can be selfless, and the ability to know that when I choose you I always win.

I have been waiting for you, wondering about you before you came. And here you are, in my favour to bare you. 

Nonkululeko Manyika

#ReadAfrikanFridays - Alone by Lebo Pule

Written by Malebo Gololo

This is a memoir of a woman detailing a brief account of her growing up in Alexandra and the subtle and unconscious effects that background and society has on an individual. Set up in the Township of Alexandra, Lebo Pule becomes vulnerable to her readers revealing details of the type of environment she grew up in. There is something special about someone who is self-aware and has given themselves permission to be who they are unapologetically without fitting into a mould of what is expected of them.   

 

The cover of the book often raises curiosity behind its inspiration and how it ties in to the memoir itself. Pule explains that the figure in the image represents a story of so many women in current day society. Often women find themselves having to wear a certain countenance that masks their true state of being. This countenance only shows the image that society has created for what the woman should be like. This woman succumbs to the pressure and therefore lives her life as a facade in order to maintain a certain social image. This is done at the risk of a crumbling wall behind the mask. This reminds me of the “new woman” that Professor Pumla Gqola speaks of in her book “a Renegade Called Simphiwe”.  That this “new woman” is a social construct of what the normal woman should aspire to become even though many women do not fit this profile. In normalising this woman, any other becomes abnormal. Reading Alone, one thing is clear and that is Pule does not subscribe to this “new woman” concept. Many would describe Pule's politics around gender issues as harsh but when you have an idea of her background you understand why they are necessary. 

This book is captured with simplicity and beauty so much so that I found myself juggling with many emotions throughout the book. I remember smiling, laughing, sniffing and also getting a bit upset.  Pule gets extremely vulnerable about the type of childhood she had; the challenges of growing up in a township, being bullied by boys (because you are a girl that is not “normal”), almost being raped and also falling pregnant at a very young age and being misunderstood for it. What also captured my heart the most is the "daddy issues" chapter (because I am obsessed with masculinity in South Africa). Having to live with a father she had no relationship with and desperately trying to get his attention she details how she would savour moments of special attention he would shower her with.  These moments were quite special to her as they were very rare occurrences. Her reflections on that relationship reveal the long term effects which manifested in her life when she was older. This also allows the reader to dig deep into their own relationships with their fathers and try and reflect on how it might have affected how they view things, especially with regards to the men around them. 

Although I cannot personally relate to Pule’s background, I can however relate to her essence. No matter the background we all come from, there is ultimately something that weaves us together.  

Pule then allows the reader into her Entrepreneurial journey. She highlights some pivotal challenges which ultimately led to her bankruptcy. There is a level of a façade that is shown in the faces of Entrepreneurs in South Africa which paints a picture that everything is better than what it seems like.  It is as if people are in denial that this is one tough and mostly misunderstood sector to be a part of in South Africa. Pule has journeyed against all odds and has openly shared what so many of us go through when we try and become Entrepreneurs. Exposing the type of relationships we have with our finances and decisions we make when it comes to our businesses which lead to downfall and all sorts of soul crunching realities. This reality often finds most Entrepreneurs having to downgrade their lives and move in with family members or friends.   

What is truly beautiful about this memoir is that it does not reach an ending, but rather, it opens up conversations we should start having within and outwards of ourselves. At the end of a dark night, a new day arises. 

I count myself blessed to be part of a generation that gets to witness the new day in Lebo Pule’s life. She represents women in a big way and because of her and many other brave women who tell their stories unapologetically; women will cease to be removed from herstory.

Every South African needs a copy of this book; no matter the gender, race or tribe. This book gives a beautiful perspective of a part of the South African reality. It will challenge you and it will draw you to making certain decisions about your life. To reflect on whether you are in the right space and if you need to detach yourself from those toxic spaces. Lastly but importantly, whether you have decided to confront your wounds and heal. 

One oops I have is that the book is extremely short and it leaves your tongue wagging for the next offerings by Lebo Pule. Which is a good thing if you think about it, nothing sucks like feeling like you do not want to read anything else by the author after reading their debut book.

You can get ALONE at selected Exclusive books

You can also order on Kalahari.com

You can also order directly from the ALONE Team via this email alonelebopule@gmail.com.

Let me know how you find it 

Yours for the Love of WORDS,

@malebosays